Welcome To The World, Penelope Jo

I'm not sure why, but this pregnancy seemed to go by so much quicker than the other two. Maybe because there were no meds or monitoring leading up to it? Maybe because it was only 1 so I didn't get as big towards the end? Whatever the reason, 39 weeks seemed to sneak up on us, and now she's here.

We had another great experience and easy delivery. I opted for a repeat c-section and thankfully little miss was willing to stay in long enough for us to make it to our scheduled delivery. We arrived at the hospital at 5 am on November 1st. I knew I was already in early labor, but the contractions seemed very sporadic to me still. When they got me all hooked up and started monitoring the contractions, I could see they were coming about every 5 minutes. Thankfully none of them were too painful, so I was able to relax while we waited for 7am to roll along.

Right on cue at 7am we started having a continuous rotation of doctors and nurses filing in and out of our room. My OB, the anesthesiologist, all the various nurses that would be helping with delivery and recovery. I seriously can't say enough wonderful things about the medical team we had for delivery. We already knew how great my OB was, but every single person in the operating room did a phenomenal job. The anesthesiologist managed to keep my from getting sick during delivery, a first. The nurses were great about talking to me the whole time and keeping the mood light during delivery prep while we waited for Rob to be able to come into the OR.

When Rob finally got to come in and join us it was just a couple more minutes and then she was born, and she was big! Born at 7:54am, they originally weighed her at 10lbs2oz. She was kind enough to pee on the nurses while she was being weighed and examined. She was also kind enough to scream for pretty much the entire time it took them to get me from the operating table to recovery. It took a little extra time because I opted to get a tubal done along with delivery. (My doctor actually removed my tubes so there is a 0% chance of another surprise pregnancy. There's also a 0% chance of any tubal cancers which is why we decided to remove them instead of just tie them.)

30 minutes later I was finally in recovery, and baby girl was more than ready to have a snack and a snuggle. The only problem with that is that my blood pressure was pretty low, so I had to stay flat on my back while nursing her. Not exactly an easy task, especially when there are wires stuck to you everywhere. With a little help from Rob and our recovery nurse, we were able to get her situated and she finally stopped screaming at all of us. While in recovery they got her official measurements. Our longest and biggest baby by a significant margin. 9lbs13oz and 21.5" long. 2 lbs bigger and over 2" longer than any of our other kids. Its amazing how big a baby can grow when they have some extra room.

By 10am we were back to our room, I could finally wiggle my toes, and I was able to sit up and really enjoy some snuggles with our new baby girl. We do full rooming in while in the hospital and we didn't have any visitors until the evening, so it was a totally quiet morning and afternoon, just the three of us. It was the most relaxing few hours I can recall having for a while. No kids running around, no cleaning to take care of, just Rob and I and a snuggly infant.

I have found that the sooner I get up and moving after a c-section, the easier recovery is. By 2pm I was up and out of bed. It hurt like hell, but I knew getting up and going early would make it easier when the kids came up later in the evening. Thankfully that proved true and by 6pm I was able to walk around with minimal pain.

The kids came up after dinner and stayed for about an hour. Scarlett, Brooke, and Harrison were all in love immediately. Clark wanted nothing to do with her. He was willing to sit on the couch for a few pictures, but that was it. He was more interested in eating the Timbits they picked up in the hospital lobby on the way up and pushing the buttons on the hospital bed. After about an hour, the craziness of 4 kids on a sugar high and stuck in a small room reached its peak, so my parents loaded up our silly crew and took them home.

Our night nurse, Sarah, was fantastic. We had her both nights we stayed in the hospital and she was great about lining up my vitals checks with baby girl's checks and getting my meds incorporated to the same visits. I think we only saw her twice the first night and once the second night. It was so nice to be able to get sleep for more than an hour without someone coming in to check on baby or I. Even with our quiet nights in the hospital room, we were still hoping to get to go home after 2 nights. Thankfully my doctor gave me the ok and our pediatric group gave baby girl the ok too.

On day two we finally decided on a name for baby girl. I've felt a connection between her and the name Penny Pargeon since before we knew for sure if she was a girl or a boy. After spending 24 hours with her, we decided that Penny was a perfect fit for her and Penelope Jo Pargeon made its way onto her birth certificate.

My parents brought the kids up separately on Friday, so we got to see the littles in the morning while the bigs were at school, and the bigs in the afternoon while the littles were napping. It was much less chaotic that way and it gave them a chance to enjoy their sister more and also a chance for them to each get some mom and dad time.

By 9am Saturday  morning we were packed up and ready to go home. We still had to wait for them to process our discharge paperwork and for Penny to get her repeat hearing test. She failed her hearing test on Friday and then failed two more test on Saturday, so we're going to be following up with an audiologist next month. We finally got the ok to leave around 12pm. We came home, watched The Good Place, and then Penny and I snuggled up for a nap while Rob ran out to get my pain meds, which have since sat on the counter unused. The kids had spent the previous evening with my best friend and she brought them back home around 6pm. We ate dinner, watched Madagascar, and put everyone to bed late with the expectation that DST was going to make it a really freaking long Sunday.

It was a blissful few days having Rob home with us and getting to enjoy our completed family. Having a newborn in the house again is such a joy. Seeing our kids welcome a new little person into their tribe and watching them all love her immediately, even Clark who has yet to hold her but likes to wave at her and give her kisses, has been a dream come true. There is so much that led up to her being here. So much waiting, so much heartache, so much excitement. I sometimes feel in shock that she's actually here. When I look at her chunky face and smell her sweet newborn scent as she's snuggled close, I know that she's the perfect final puzzle piece for our family.

Welcome to the world, Penny. Every second of the wait for you was worth it. We can't wait to watch you grow and to see the person you will become.

Still Pregnant

Do you remember that one time I got pregnant and then my laptop keyboard broke so I didn't blog about the pregnancy at all? Oh, that's right now? Yep. My laptop keyboard is still broken almost 5 months later because I'm too lazy to drive the 30 minutes across town to get it fixed. I did finally decide to splurge and spend $11 on a keyboard. The touch screen keypad has been getting me through for the work I need to do, and it's already obvious that this keyboard is not going to get me through for long.

We have had a very uneventful pregnancy this go round. If it weren't for my "advanced maternal age" and our recent miscarriage we would have only had two ultrasounds and the standard appointment schedule of 6 weeks, then 4, then every 2 weeks in the third trimester. We did get a few extra ultrasounds in the beginning because of our circumstances going into this pregnancy, but we haven't seen the baby on the big screen since 20 weeks.

We did opt to do non invasive prenatal testing, also known as a Harmony test, since I am a bit older this time. We were able to confirm early on that there were no chromosomal abnormalities. We also had the option to find out the baby's gender at 12 weeks, so of course we said yes. Rob was team boy. I was team girl, and as it turns out the ladies will have the majority in this house. I've had a name picked out before we knew for sure she was a she. Unfortunately Rob doesn't love the name and neither of us can come up with anything else, so she may remain nameless for the first few days of her life.

Her anatomy scan around 18 weeks showed that everything is developing right on track. We got a reconfirmation of that with the MFM at 20 weeks, and then it's been a waiting game since then. It's odd to not have any idea how much she weighs or what her profile looks like. We had so much monitoring with both of our twin pregnancies, that it's been a totally different pregnancy experience this time. I'm fully convinced we're going to have a 9lb baby in a few short weeks. After two brunettes and two blondies, I'm also convinced she's going to be a ginger or a raven haired little lady.

I have been much more exhausted this pregnancy than with either of the other two. I'm not sure if it's age or chasing around 4 kids, but I feel it. The second trimester energy burst never came. I've just been tired. Naps have been an almost daily occurrence since 5 weeks. Thank goodness Scarlett and Clark still nap. I've been working more this pregnancy due to some staffing changes over the last couple months. I'm just glad I still feel well enough to work. I bought a Blanqui support tank specifically to wear to work, and I think it's made a big difference. Managing 40 dogs when you're 30+ weeks pregnant is no easy task, and the extra belly support has been much appreciated. I am now regretting my decision not to spend the money on one during my previous pregnancies.

I have had barely any round ligament pain and the braxton hicks contractions have just started within the last week. Both of those we're present from 20 weeks on with my twin pregnancies. It's been a blessing not to experience them so frequently. Even though there's only one baby this time, I'm still on track to gain the same as I did with Scarlett and Clark. I would have been at about the same with H and B too if it weren't for all of the preeclampsia swelling and water weight I gained in the last 2 weeks. It doesn't matter starting weight, diet, exercise, the number of fetuses, 50 lbs is the magic number for my pregnancy weight gain.

We're down to just over a month left until she arrives. We opted to do a scheduled c-section again this go round and I'll have my tubes removed during delivery. One surprise pregnancy we never thought would happen is all we can handle. We knew she was our final baby from the moment we saw the positive pregnancy test. Our delivery is scheduled for bright and early on November 1st. That gives us time to enjoy all of the fall activities we love with the kids and then rock their world with another baby. Now we'll keep our fingers crossed that she stays put for another 33 days. Just now typing that our made me realize how soon it really is.

Happy 6th Birthday, Harrison and Brooke

Harrison and Brooke turned 6 years old almost 2 weeks ago! They decided a few weeks before their birthday that they didn't want to have a party with friends, they would rather go to Cedar Point to celebrate. As much as I love to plan a fun, themed party, I was more than happy to forgo planning one this year. We planned to make their actual birthday as special as possible and then let them celebrate by riding all the rides on the weekend.

The night before their birthday Brooke asked me if they were going to wake up to balloons and presents in the morning. It's like she knows me. ;) They also told me what presents I should go buy after I put them to bed that night. Sorry to burst your bubble kids, but you're presents are already bought and you're getting what I got you whether you like it or not.

They woke up to balloons, presents, and donuts. They still had school and swim class on their birthday, so much of the day was business as usual. I was able to go into Harrison's class to celebrate his birthday with his classmates, and Rob was able to join Brooke in her classroom to celebrate her special day. After school and swim class we got to celebrate with the grandparents. Pizza, ice cream cake, and a late bedtime capped off their birthday. Simple but fun and exactly what they asked for.

Since pregnant women and roller coasters don't exactly mix, I knew I was going to have to sit out on their weekend celebration. My sister, who lives in Tennessee, offered to drive up and accompany Rob to Cedar Point. My mom also opted to go with, so H and B got to spend the day with 3 of their favorite people. They had talked about roller coasters all week, but ultimately decided smaller rides were more their speed, so they only did a few coasters. They did both tell me that riding the Gemini was their favorite part of the day, so at least they liked the coasters they did ride. They also got to play games, buy souvenirs, and eat ice cream, so it was a stellar day for them. They are still talking about Cedar Point a week later and planning what they'll ride when they get to go again. I am a little sad I didn't get to enjoy their birthday trip with them, but Rob was on Snapchat so much it's like I was almost there. Their excitement in telling me about all the fun things they did makes up for my absence.

It's crazy how much older they've seemed over the last few weeks. I have a feeling it has more to do with almost being done with their first year of school and less to do with their turning 6, but whatever it is, I've noticed. The next year is going to throw a lot of changes their way, and I'm excited to see how it all helps them grow. Happy 6th birthday, Harrison and Brooke. Your dad and I are so proud of the little people you are growing into.

Ethan Embryo

Today would have been our due date with Ethan Embryo. It's been looming over me for the entire month. I knew today was coming. All the excitement over the impending birth of the royal baby made it even more present in my mind. I remember when the palace announced that Kate and William were expecting again. I was 5 1/2 weeks along and thought, "Kate can't be more then a few days or weeks ahead of me. How fun is it going to be to grow right along with her." (I'm kind of obsessed with the British royal family if you didn't already know, and Kate can do no wrong, IMO.) After we lost E, their pregnancy was just a constant reminder of what we didn't have. This week it was a reminder that I should be holding a newborn in my arms, and I'm not.

I had some really dark days after we lost E. There were weeks where I couldn't go to Target or the grocery store because if I saw someone with a newborn in a car seat or carrier, I would start crying. We took the big kids to the Bluffton Street Fair a few weeks after the miscarriage, and at a time when I should have been laughing and enjoying my kids playing, I had to walk away because the sight of a young baby made me start crying uncontrollably. Poor Rob didn't know what to do. Staying at home was just as bad though. Being alone with my thoughts and the constant "what if" or "did I cause it," was misery.

We decided pretty quickly after the miscarriage that we were going to try again. Even if the chance was minute, at least there was a chance. At least I had some hope. It didn't have to be the end like I thought it was when we lost E. I don't think I would have been able to handle this week, to handle today, if we weren't expecting again. If we were undergoing treatment or had decided to stop trying all together, I would be an emotional mess today. Instead I was able to take the kids out this morning like it was nothing, all while thinking about the little baby that should be with us but is in heaven instead, and knowing that there's a new little life that will be joining us in a few months.

I spent last night frantically searching for our only picture of E. Our picture from the day of transfer, that hung on the fridge for months after our loss. It wasn't with our blastocyst pictures of H and B or S and C. It wasn't in any of the places I would have put it. I searched drawers, cabinets, books, photo albums. Why could I not remember where I put it? I had Rob help me pull out the fridge when he got home, and sure enough, there it was. At some point it fell down behind the fridge and we didn't notice. Our days went on even though I didn't look at the picture every day like I did in the weeks following our miscarriage, just like our lives went on and eventually the pain went away and we didn't even notice it was gone.

We will always think of E, especially on our due date anniversary each year, and think about what could have been. How our family could have looked different than it does now. How we could have had a different child in our life. How the loss of one little embryo changed me and changed how I viewed any future pregnancies. We will celebrate the short time we had with E, and the love and excitement we felt about adding him or her to our family. We mourn not getting to know Ethan Embryo in this lifetime, but celebrate knowing that we will get to see our little E in the next life.

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. It always causes me to reflect more deeply on our struggles to build a family. We’ve always been up front about our journey to have kids. It started out as “we aren’t trying but aren’t not trying.” Then “yes we’re trying.” Next was “it’s jut taking us a little bit longer than it takes some couples.” Finally came “we are 1 in 8 couples that struggle with infertility.”

None of my friends were trying to get pregnant when we were and Rob’s family and friends seemingly got pregnant without even trying. While they were all sympathetic and offered their nicest words to assure us it would happen eventually, no one really understood what we were going through.

I thankfully found a couple great groups of ladies online who were in the thick of the struggle. Some of us had been diagnosed with certain reproductive issues, others had just been trying for months or years with no success, but we all understood the monthly struggles and pain that came with every new cycle and negative pregnancy test. We were experts in reading ovulation tests, charting our cycles, and taking our basal body temperature before getting out of bed each morning. None of us wanted to be experts in those things, however. We all wanted to get pregnant without having to try so hard.

Eventually some of us got pregnant on our own, some of us resorted to medication or ART, artificial reproductive technology, and some of us saw relationships dissolve during the stress of battling infertility. Most of the ladies from the group I’m still in touch with, thank goodness for social media, and even though we’re all at different stages in our lives now, we will always remember the support we offered to each other during such a difficult time. I don’t know that I could have stayed sane through it all without them.

As our journey continued and we moved toward IVF, I began to rely on my sisters and their expertise. They had both been down this road before. All three of us, for totally different and unrelated reasons, had to use IVF to try and build our families. I hate that they had to go down this same path before me, but I am thankful for the knowledge and support they offered me. We never talked about our experiences in depth, but we had  each other to commiserate with over the constant shots, the financial drain, the never ending appointments, the heartache of failed or postpones cycles.

It’s a lot to take on by yourself, or with just your partners support, so why do so many of us keep it hidden from the world? Because we’re judged and looked down upon, made to feel like lesser women. I see it all the time. I see it directed at me, I see it directed at women online. I see people who were so excited to hear that we have two sets of twins ask if twins run in our family, and when I explain that they’re they result of IVF they respond with a disappointed, “Oh.” I see women who are told that if they can’t have children on their own they should take that as a sign they aren’t meant to have kids. I see people who use ART to build their families be called horrible names and told their children aren’t real and they should have adopted instead.

We have to speak out about our journeys. Let the world know we are 1 in 8. Let other couples know they are not alone. The more we share our battles, the more we lessen the stigma, the more likely we are that infertility is finally recognized as more than an inconvenience, the more other couples will know they are not alone. I hope that by the time my children are old enough to have children, things have changed. I hope the judgment is gone. I hope that infertility is treated as an disease and not just as an inconvenience some couples have to face. I hope they never have to face this battle, but if they do I hope there is more sympathy and understanding.

How To Make A Baby

Thank you everyone for the outpouring of love and excitement over our big announcement yesterday. We had quite a few people ask how this baby came to be, which is a little personal unless you've spent the last 6 years sharing your entire infertility journey on the world wide web. This little munchkin is the result of a Valentine's Eve date night and a few cocktails. Who knew you could get pregnant just by having sex? ;) But there's a bit more to it than that. This baby may be a surprise, but it wasn't unplanned.

After we lost Baby E, we thought that would be it. After a few weeks though, we both agreed that we would always feel the "what if" if we didn't try again. 5 has been the number of kids in our minds since our first round of IVF. We both come from families with 5 siblings. Our first IVF gave us twins and 3 frozen embryos. 2+3=5. When we lost our frosties, our next round of IVF gave us twins and 1 frostie. 2+2+1=5 It's always seemed like 5 was the number of kids we were supposed to have.

Our problem has always been poor morphology and motility, basically the sperm are misshapen and don't swim well. There isn't a western medicine treatment to improve morphology and motility, so IVF is almost always recommended as a course of treatment. It's worked great for us in the past, but we couldn't justify another round IVF. There's some evidence that traditional Chinese medicine can help improve numbers. We decided to go that route and try naturally for a few months. Rob's acupuncturist said his kidney and liver function was out of balance, so he started weekly acupuncture and a ridiculous amount of herbs and supplements.

Bacopa, Zinc, Vitamin E, Oil of Oregano, Vital Essence, Multi Vitamin, Syntol AMD, Selenium, Fulvic & Humic Concentrate

It takes 3 months for any changes to be reflected in a semen analysis, so we tried naturally for a few months while Rob continued with the acupuncture and herbs. After 3.5  months Rob went in for a semen analysis and we were both optimistic that we would see some improvement in the numbers. Unfortunately the numbers came back pretty much unchanged. Still at less than 1% morphology and under 50% motility.

The next couple weeks were filled with a lot of disappointment, negativity, and inner reflection. We both went to some dark places before deciding that we were willing to give reproductive science another chance. IVF was still not a viable option. We couldn't justify creating multiple embryos in hopes of just one more baby. Our RE recommended we try a medicated IUI. We ordered the drugs and sat back to wait on a new cycle to start.

The morning our drugs were sent to be mailed out, I woke up early and took an HPT just to make sure we needed the meds. I was not expecting a positive result, so when the second line started to show up, I was in disbelief. I yelled at Rob to get out of bed and come into the bathroom. He saw it too, and immediately asked "Whose is it?"  That joke lasted a solid week or two, but the surprise is just now finally wearing off.

Since we recently had a loss, we still used our RE's office for early testing and ultrasounds. It was very reassuring to know our HCG levels were increasing, and to get two ultrasounds with confirmed heartbeat all before 10 weeks. It was also nice to only see one baby in there. It's crazy how much room there is with just one. We have graduated from our RE's office and are hopefully on our way to an uneventful, low risk pregnancy.

It's worth noting that the semen analysis and positive pregnancy test took place during the same cycle. There's no way to know if the acupuncture and herbs made a positive impact, but this is the first time we've had a spontaneous pregnancy in the 11+ years since we stopped using birth control. It's an awfully big coincidence. Although as our RE pointed out, "It just takes one."

Baby #5

On a Tuesday morning exactly 6 weeks ago, I woke Rob up at 6 am to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I said something along the line of, "I think there's a second line on this test, but I just woke up, tell me I'm not crazy?" Sure enough, a handful of home pregnancy tests, 3 blood draws, and 2 ultrasounds later, we're having a baby. We are still surprised and we've had a few weeks to let it sink in. Come November our family will be growing by one little person. We have two very excited big kids, and two little kids who still aren't sure what's going on. Scarlett can't decide if she wants a baby sister or a baby dog, Clark just looks at me dumbfounded whenever I tell him there's a baby in my belly, if you've seen Brooke in the last 3 weeks she's blurted out that, "There's a baby in mommy's belly," before you had time to say hello, and Harrison is chill about the whole thing and just wants to snuggle up to me and the baby whenever we watch TV.

This baby is proof that miracles happen! We can't wait to welcome our sweet rainbow baby, or baby dog, this fall.