Our Little Miracles

If you missed the journey up to our transfer, you can find it here.

After our transfer We went home and I laid in bed all afternoon while Rob managed the kids.

1 day past transfer - The kids and I lounge around the house in our pajamas and take it easy all day. I don't feel strongly one way or another towards the embryo I know is trying to make itself at home.

2 days past transfer - Another quiet day hanging out with the kids. We venture out of the house for a Target run. I think about how crazy it would be to add a 5th child to our outings.

3 days post transfer - I realize I am already very attached to this embryo and will be disappointed if this cycle doesn't work.

4 days post transfer - I know it's early but decide to take a pregnancy test. It's negative. I decide to test again later in the day. It is the faintest positive I've ever seen, but it's positive. I am ecstatic! I am also out of pregnancy tests. Must get more tests. Rob sees the almost negative, barely positive test sitting out, and that's how he finds out the transfer was successful.

5 days post transfer - A definite positive first thing in the morning. I tell Rob we are for sure pregnant, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

6 days post transfer - I get another positive test with a darker line and a positive on a digital test. I decide to stop testing at this point and wait for my beta. I am so excited about this sweet little baby and am on pins and needles waiting for our beta.

I go in for my beta, quantitative blood pregnancy test, at 10 days past transfer. My HCG levels come back at 192. Yay! Even more exciting, my repeat levels come back at 466. We schedule our ultrasound for 7 weeks 2 days and I start counting the days until we get to see our baby.

The first couple weeks of our pregnancy are very normal. I am super tired, crampy, my boobs are sore all the time. I even get a few tinges of morning sickness here and there. Overall I feel great and am constantly thinking about the little life growing inside of me. I wonder if it is a boy or a girl. I see Scarlett with our friends' babies and with my nephew and know she is going to love being a big sister. I think about how crazy life with 5 kids is going to be. I think about getting to nurse one more baby and how sweet it will be. I think about how different it will be having just one baby. I think about how ludicrous it would be if our embryo split and we wound up with identical twins. I think about car seat configurations and who we're going to squeeze in the third row with H and B. I think about all of the wonderful things new moms to be think about.

Around 6 1/2 weeks I notice I'm not as tired as I was last week and I haven't really had any morning sickness. Maybe that's just the difference between how my body handles a twin pregnancy vs a singleton. By 7 weeks I'm not feeling much pregnant at all but I am so excited to get to see our baby in just a couple short days. I voice my concerns to Rob the night before our ultrasound, but he assures me my boobs have gotten bigger. Typical guy thinking. :) I notice a small amount of pink spotting before I go to bed and assume it's just from the progesterone suppositories. I lay down, rub my lower abdomen, and say goodnight to our little baby, the same as I have every night for the last 5 weeks.

This is where things take a turn for the worse. I wake up to a decent amount of spotting. It's more than I've seen the whole pregnancy, but it's definitely still spotting at this point. I put a call into the nurses at our fertility clinic and go about getting the kids ready for school. As the morning goes on, the spotting gets heavier, the cramping starts. I call Rob as I watch the bus pull away taking H and B to school, and I tell him I am pretty sure I am miscarrying and that he needs to be prepared for what we will see on the ultrasound.

Our appointment isn't until 1pm. 4 hours have never seemed so long. Every time I use the restroom, I notice more and more bleeding. I try to convince myself that it's a subchorionic hematoma and that I'm not losing the baby. When we finally get to our dr's office I use the restroom before our ultrasound and pass two large clots. I start sobbing hysterically in the bathroom. Any illusions I had about it being anything other than a miscarriage are gone.

Our ultrasound reveals a baby with no heartbeat measuring 6weeks 1day. Our doctor gives us the option of scheduling a D&C, but I decide I would like to miscarry naturally. We go over a few things like medications and what to do if everything doesn't pass on its own. Our doctor apologizes for the 684th time and then leaves the room. I know it was necessary, but having to endure a tv ultrasound while I'm bleeding everywhere and obviously miscarrying was one of the worst things I've ever had to endure.

Life goes on at its normal pace while my whole world is coming crashing down around me. Everything was so different two days ago. I was picturing telling Brooke and Harrison they were going to be big siblings again. Feeling baby kicks in my belly. Newborn pictures with all 5 of our sweet children. Dipping baby toes into the lake next summer. Another child's awe during the Christmas season. In a matter of hours, it's all gone. Now those are just memories we'll never get to experience. It's amazing how much you can fall in love with a baby over just a few short weeks. A baby we weren't even sure we wanted. Sweet little baby, you were so wanted.

At this point I don't even know if I'm still carrying our dead baby, if my body has reabsorbed it, or if it got flushed down the toilet of a BJs Brewhouse. The uncertainty of the physical aspect of it all is the most difficult thing right now. I know the baby is gone, but until I can move past the physical part of the miscarriage, there's no way I can start to heal emotionally. Every experience is different, and the only thing the doctor's office can tell me is call us next week and we'll rescan.

I am not the only woman to lose a pregnancy. I am not the only woman losing her pregnancy this very second. Knowing it's normal, there's nothing we could do to change the outcome, 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, none of that makes it any easier. I know how blessed I am to have 4 beautiful, healthy children. There are women who would give anything to have what we have. I know that and I don't take it for granted. That doesn't make right now any easier. I know we'll pick up the pieces and move on. We have to. We have 4 little people who count on us to be strong for them. I need to be stronger for them. I have been too short with them this week. They don't understand why and they definitely don't deserve it. They are the only thing getting me through my days. They put a smile on my face when I don't think I have any smiles left in me.

I am very lucky to have a great support system in Rob, the best girlfriends anyone could ask for, and family who have been through this before. It's still a very isolating experience, even though others are experiencing it with me. I made myself get out of the house yesterday which was hard, but good for me. We have plans to go to a birthday party this weekend and spend some time at the lake. Life will go on, time will make it easier, but there will not be a day that I don't think about our baby who left us too early.