Today was supposed to be transfer day. Rob and I woke up early, said good bye to the kids, dropped Jules off at daycare, and then we were on our way. I had an entire "day in the life," post planned for today to show everyone what transfer day looks like. We were half way to Indy when we got the call. It was 9:46am. 

It was supposed to be the embrologist telling us how our embryos were handling the thaw. Instead it was our doctor telling us we didn't need to come down. I knew as soon as I heard his voice it wasn't going to be good. He said our single embryo didn't reach viability. They thawed the other two and one of them stopped developing. Our last embryo was stalled, but there was still a chance it could make it. I remember him mentioning 30% of something. I don't know if that was the chance that it might make it, or if it stopped at 30% development. Either way, it wasn't good and there wasn't much hope for our last embryo. We were told we should head back home and they would call us to let us know how the embryo progressed.  

At this point, I knew it was over, but I still prayed our last embryo might make a turn for the better. At 11:45 I got a call stating our final embryo did not reach viability. Cycle canceled. While I knew this was a possibility, it wasn't one I ever thought would happen. I was so concerned about the risk of twins with a double embryo transfer, I didn't stop to think we might not transfer any. 

Devastated pretty accurately describes how we feel. We would joke about H and B having a twin sibling who was three years younger than them. We planned for these small lives to be a part of our family some day. Even though they never made it past tiny cells, and I never carried them, it still feels like we lost part of our family.  

When we started our IVF journey, we thought we'd do it once use all the embryos and then be done. Now all of our embryos are gone and we still have a desire for more children. After we mourn the loss of our embryos, we'll have to move forward. What that means, I don't know. 

We are so fortunate to be blessed with two amazing children. Brooke and Harrison fill our lives with so much joy. We will have to decide if our family can be complete as a family of four, or if we will try IVF again. The cost alone is enough to make us really evaluate things, but then there's the concern over new embryos. What if we have left over embryos? Are we ok with using all of them? 

One thing I know for sure, when we got home this morning, the excitement, happiness and love beaming from our children's faces make it all worth while. Thank you to everyone for all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers you've sent our way through this process. We truly appreciate all of you.  

Little Things - 10 Little Piggies

On Monday night while Rob was giving the kids baths, I started painting my nails. I was still sporting Kelly Green from St. Patrick's Day, so it was time for an update. I got the first coat of baby blue polish on, and then out come the kiddos. Brooke was instantly obsessed with my toes and kept talking about them until it was lights out. 

The first words out of her mouth in the morning were, "Toes, Mommy Toes." Obviously little miss needed her toes painted. The elves put Piggy Paint in her stocking this year, so all that was left was to pick a color and get to painting.  

She was great about sitting still while I painted her toes. She was really good about waiting to get down too. However, she kept wiggling her toes while they were drying. I had to repaint what she rubbed off twice and then hold her toes still while I blew them dry. She is so happy about her toes! And I'm so happy that I got to give her her first pedicure. 

Today I'm linking up with Ashley and Jess for their It's The Little Things link up. 

5 on Friday - FET Edition

It's been a while since of done a link up, so today I'm linking up with Darci, April, Christina and Natasha for their Five on Friday link up.

One • We have less than a week until our FET. I can't believe we're only 6 days away. We won't know until Tuesday what time our transfer will take place on Thursday. While our RE has an office here, their main facility is in Indianapolis so we have to drive two hours to get there in the morning. Assuming we have a morning transfer time like we did with our fresh cycle, the kids will be having their first slumber party at Grandma's. While I know they'll be fine, I'm a little anxious, and excited. Their first night away from mom and dad is a big deal. Of course if it goes well, there may be nights away from us in the near future which means I may be able to sleep in once and a while.

Two • After waiting forever for our new insurance to get their act together, we finally have policy and group numbers. This means I finally have all of my prescriptions. I start progesterone on Saturday and begin taking a steroid and antibiotic on Sunday. This is in addition to the estrogen, baby aspirin and prenatal I'm already taking. I'll be taking 11 pills a day for the 4 days leading up to transfer. I'm pretty sure I need three days of the week pill boxes to keep track of everything.

Three • I've been fortunate so far not to have too many side effects from the medication. I know estrogen supplements give lots of women a laundry list of side effects. I thankfully haven't had any headaches. I have been extra tired, thank goodness H and B are great nappers, and my skin is a hot mess. While I've never had clear skin, my skin hasn't been broken out like this since I had *NSYNC posters on my bedroom walls.

Four • Fertility clinics have to report their success rates to the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology. You can go to their website to find the numbers from previous years. The most recent year of data is for 2012. Our clinic has a live birth rate of 36.8% on fresh cycles for women under 35, the twins and I are included in that data, and a 30% live birth rate for frozen cycles. While fresh cycles are proven more successful than frozen cycles, the success rates are very similar now as you can see by the numbers listed. You can view our clinic's full success report here.

Five • I had my last appointment before the transfer on Monday. They did a lining check via ultrasound and checked some hormone levels through blood work. My lining was measuring 11mm, and they like to see anything over 8mm. Since my lining is looking good, there's no need for any more appointments before transfer. A lot of people think that they implant the embryo(s) during an IVF procedure, however that isn't the case. During the transfer they place the embryos(s) in the uterus, not in the lining. The doctor guides a catheter into the perfect position while watching placement via an ultrasound. Once the catheter is in position, they release the embryo(s) into the uterus. After that it's up to the God. To help give the embryo(s) a better chance of implantation, restricted activity is prescribed for the day of and day after the transfer. If you need me, I'll be laying in bed watch The Veronica Mars Movie for the 10th time.

22 Months

This last month was the month of colds, coughs, stomach flu sickness. Even through all of the fussiness and tears, we still had a pretty good month.

We managed to make it to most of our tumbling classes and to the library a couple times, but otherwise we were stuck inside all month. This means we needed new activities. There are only so many times the kids get excited about coloring. We broke out my Hot Wheels cars, I knew there was a reason I was holding onto them, which they loved. They even got to pick out a couple new cars at the store on Sunday. We also broke out some new play dough accessories and introduced them to a few apps on our phones. No surprise, they love the apps. We have been using a few of the free Fisher Price apps and the Sound Touch Baby app. I held onto my old iPhone when we upgraded, so they can each use the apps individually. They will both pick up a phone and bring it to me saying "As"(Brooke), or "Bs"(Harrison), meaning we want the ABC app. 

Harrison, in true boy fashion, is all about trucks, trains and cars. He now likes to point out every car and truck we see. Walking through the parking lot is now a non stop jabber fest. The church and school behind our house is currently expanding. This means we have trucks, Bobcats, bulldozers and diggers constantly driving by. Harry has taken to looking out the back window and letting us know when one drives by. There's a dump truck that's been parked out back for a few weeks, and he's always telling us "truck" or saying "honk."

We are starting to see real improvement in the speech department. Brooke is starting to really enunciate her second syllable in words. Ma and Da are now ma-ee and da-ee. They are both speaking more without us prompting them, which is great to hear. They have also added quite a few new words to their vocabulary this month. Thanks to this super cute fruit and veggie bag, they can now name most all of their fruits and veggies.  I about die every time Brooke says lettuce, lay-us.

Even though I'm trying to squeeze every last wear out of their 18-24 month and 2T clothes, they're pretty solidly in the next size up.  That means 3T for shirts and dresses, and 2T for pants, shorts and skirts. We've been gradually switching over their clothes, and a certain little lady has been uber excited to try on new things. Yesterday she was wearing a swimsuit top, bubble shorts, and a tutu. I will be sharing the picture on my Instagram (justjm03) today once I get a chance to load it off my camera.

One of their new favorite things is to turn the lights on. Super cute, not so cute for the electric bill. They can get the lights turned on, but aren't so great at getting them turned off. Guess who winds up walking around the house flipping off lights all day? If you guessed me, you're right.

Another month down, another month closer to two.  Happy 22 months, Kiddos!!

Stomach Flu

Saturday morning the kids seemed a little extra fussy, so I thought some fresh air and a change of scenery would do is good.  Brooke picked out an adorable outfit and I got both kids dressed.  As we was getting Brooke in her car seat, I look over at Harrison standing next to me and he starts projectile vomitting.  There's now berry explosion all over him, the garage floor and his Cozy Coupe. So much for our trip to The Y to play on the jungle gym.

The rest of the day was filled with more Disney Junior than anyone should ever be subjected to, and more outfit changes than the washer could keep up with. On the plus side, that meant lots of snuggles with the kiddos all day.  

Outfit #5 of the day.  

By the end of the day Harry was finally able to keep down a fruit pouch and some Pedialyte. A solid nights' sleep followed and he woke up in a good mood.  He was all about toast and eggs at breakfast. I figured it was a 24 hour bug and we were in the clear. He proved me wrong during naptime.  

I never heard or saw him get sick on the monitor, but the smell in their room made it very obvious what happened. There's not much sadder than realizing your kid threw up in his bed and has been laying in it.  Mom of the year award! Enter a bath followed by popsicles, coconut water, crackers and Disney's Robin Hood.

The best part of being sick. 

All seemed well when the kids went to bed. I checked back on them multiple times and they were both passed out, so I headed to bed around 11. When I woke up around 3, I went in to check on things. It was evident as soon as I entered the room that Harrison had been sick again. Nothing like having to strip the sheets, change clothes, and start the washer at 3am.

So now we're over 15 hours out from being sick, and hopefully in the clear. We'll be sticking to semi bland meals for the next day or so. I think it's safe to say that we survived out first real stomach flu, it only took two days and little man getting sick 8 times. Now I'm just praying that Brooke doesn't catch the same thing.

FET Schedule

We have officially started our FET cycle.  We went into our RE's, reproductive endocrinologist, office today for our first appointment. After an ultrasound showed everything looks good, they gave us our schedule and sent us on our way, after we paid for the full cycle of course.

Our schedule seems so bare. It's great that the FET is so much less involved, but I feel like we're missing something. We already have all of our dates scheduled. I only have two visits and then the transfer. So, this is what they next few weeks will look like. On March 27th we will potentially be pregnant. On April 9th, we go in for blood work to find out for sure. It's crazy to see it all there in black and white. I was only excited about this cycle, but now I find myself feeling incredibly anxious about it all.

One thing I am not anxious about is getting to take Valium. It is quite possibly the best medication I've ever taken. The Doxycyline and Medrol are new this time around, but all the other medications I took last time around and didn't have any reactions to.

So here's to a long boring three weeks while we wait for the transfer, and an even longer and more boring two week wait, where I will try not to take an at home pregnancy test and will probably fail miserably.