A couple weeks ago I was making chicken noodle soup. As I was cutting up vegetables, I started feeling a little queasy. I remembered briefly having the same feeling the day before. The first thought that popped into my head wasn't "maybe I'm coming down with something," it was "maybe I'm pregnant." So there I stand in the kitchen counting cycle days trying to figure out if it's even possible.

Robbie and I have been married for almost 10 years, and we've been trying to, or not trying not to, get pregnant for almost 7 of those years. In that time, I've learned more about reproduction and fertility than I ever wanted to know. I have also learned, and come to terms with the fact, that we will probably never get pregnant on our own. That still doesn't change the fact that every month I hold out hope for a miracle. And every month I am disappointed when a new cycle begins.

I am past the point of charting my cycles. I don't cry anymore when another month comes and goes. But I know enough to know when there is that less than 1% possibility that it could happen. And it never does, but it could. And so I hold onto that hope, and the disappointment that comes with it. I feel like that's a good thing.

When we had frozen embryos there was never any question as to whether we'd try for more. The answer was always yes, we'd like to have more. But then that option was taken away from us, and we had to really consider what we thought our family should look like. Robbie and I are both in agreement about another round of IVF, but there are days that I question if the expense is worth it. We have two amazing children and I know we could be happy if we are never more than a family of four. We're prepared for that, and we will gladly enjoy every day, just the four of us, if that's where our journey takes us.

The disappointment every month reminds me that the desire for more children is still there. It confirms to me that we are making the right choice to go through this again. So while I hate the feeling I get every time a new cycle begins, I'm glad I still feel the sadness 7 years after we started on this journey. I don't think infertility ever gets easier, at least for me it hasn't, but I've learned to live with it. I've learned to cope with the feelings of sadness, disappointment, and emptiness. Because along with those come feelings of hope, anticipation, excitement, and joy.

After the start of the year, we'll begin testing to make sure we're ready for our upcoming IVF cycle. While I don't necessarily enjoy blood work and ultrasounds, I'm excited about them because of what they mean. They mean we are getting closer to having a real chance at expanding our family, and that is something to be happy about. I will take the other emotions as they come, but being optimistic and happy is what I will choose to focus on.

The Sterile Cup

Yesterday I had an experience with the kids that made me think WTF while it was happening, and has left me laughing about it after the fact. A little pre-story; Brooke has been telling me her "gina" hurt for a few days. So, we made an appointment to see their pediatrician bright and early yesterday morning. We amazingly made it on time with coffee, two smoothies, a can of La Croix, and two bacon sammies in hand. After getting the run down from the nurse, we worked on getting down to business. If you have ever had to get a urine sample from a toddler, I'm sure you know how not easy it is. Telling them they need to pee in a cup doesn't exactly work.

Visit 1 - Brooke says she needs to go. We sterilize and then sit on the toilet. She doesn't need to go, but doesn't want to get off the toilet. I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom, holding her up and hoping by some miracle we'll actually be able to get a sample. She's been refusing to go on the toilet for a few days now. Meanwhile, Harrison is trying to open and close the door to the bathroom while B still has her pants down. 

We head back to the check up room, and I try to convince Brooke she needs to drink her smoothie or the water I brought. She takes a few sips of water and asks for her sandwich. I tell her she has to go potty before she can eat her sandwich. She says she needs to go, which I know she doesn't yet, but we head to the bathroom anyway.

Visit 2 - Sterilize again, get her on the toilet, and I'm back to sitting on the bathroom floor. I'm holding her up, trying to make sure the cup is ready but that I don't touch the inside, and making sure Harrison doesn't open the door to show everyone B's naked booty and the shit show that is going on in the pediatrician's bathroom. Brooke doesn't need to go, but insists she does because she wants to eat that bacon sandwich in the other room. Good job on my part. :/ 

She is now hugging me and stroking my hair. A super sweet gesture, but maybe better for when we're not on the toilet. Harrison sees the love fest, and joins in. He's now sitting on the floor, stroking my back, and telling me he loves me too. Where is all of this sweetness when we're at home and not in a semi public bathroom? This lasts for a good 5 minutes. Harrison stops with the mini massage, and I turn around to see him laying down on the bathroom floor, cheek smushed against the vinyl tile. And with that, visit two is over. Still no sample.

I am finally able to convince B to take more than tiny sips from our water. She works on drinking half a can of water that, "has oranges in it," according to her, while I read them a nursery rhyme book. 10 minutes later the water is gone, partly thanks to Harrison, and their pedi has come in for a physical exam. Everything looks good, but we still have no sample. Back to force feeding my kid water. I refill the can from the faucet, she drinks a little more water, we finish the book, and head back to the bathroom.

Visit 3 - This time I find the step stool make a great seat, so no more floor for me. Harrison is trying to let any passersby into the bathroom again, and I am trying to make sure I don't miss the big event while telling him to leave the door alone. This visit ends with barely enough sample for them to test. Thank God. The kids finally get to have their sandwiches, and I can drink my now cold coffee and breath a sigh of relief that this is over. I'm praying we didn't contaminate the cup during the process, otherwise we may get to do this all over again tomorrow.

While we were headed back out to the van, we noticed a few trees in the lobby, so we stopped to look at them. One of the trees was adorned with Mega Blocks tied up with white ribbon. I thought it was a cute, creative tree. Then I noticed some of the blocks had names and dates written on them. Our pediatricians office is connected to the children's hospital. Friends and family were able to write names and messages for their children who were being treated at the hospital, and for those who had passed on to meet their maker. I thought it was such a beautiful way to remember these children that I wanted to share.  It also made me realize that what we went through in the pedi's office is nothing compared to what these children go through on a daily basis. I pray for theirs, and their parent's strength as they undergo tests and treatments. And I hope they get to experience the joy of this Holiday season.

50K and a Giveaway

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Last week this little blog reached 50,000 page views! I started blogging as a way to share our daily lives with all of my family that lives out of town. I have come to really enjoy blogging about Harrison, Brooke, and whatever else is on my mind. Whether it's sharing a pair of boots I love, new recipes I've tried, updates on our infertility journey, or just what we did as a family, you all have been reading along and I am beyond grateful. 

To thank you all for following along with my ramblings, I teamed up with the fabulous woman behind Jameson Monroe to bring you a giveaway. Chelsea is the woman behind the brand, and she is fabulous to work with. The first headband I bought on Etsy for Brooke was from Jameson Monroe. We were hooked with the first headband and have been happy customers ever since. Between GroupDealz, flash sales, custom orders, and Etsy orders, we have built quite the collection of Jameson Monroe Headbands. 

Her headbands and clips range from small flowers, to oversized blooms, to beautiful bowties, and everything inbetween. As fabulous as the hair accessories are, that's not all she does. She also has fabulous baby blankets. How great is the houndstooth pattern lined with minky dot? So perfect for a little boy or girl. Her lace crowns are a big hit for birthdays, and the custom pieces she comes up with for kid's big days are beyond. I can't say enough about the fabulous work she does.

Now onto the giveaway. One lucky reader will get a $50 giftcard to spend on Jameson Monroe goodies. On top of that, I have a coupon code for anyone who wants to place an order with Jameson Monroe this week. You can get 20% off your order by using the code LITTLEM20. The code is good now through Thursday, so get to shopping. And make sure to enter below. There are multiple ways to enter, and you have until Thursday at midnight to get in all of your entries.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

It's Friday

Another Friday is here and I am linking up with some awesome ladies again to share a little Friday fun.

One - I love stars, and have the tattoos to prove it. ;) When I saw these star lights I had to get some immediately. We have them hanging in our kitchen, and they are the closest to outdoor Christmas lights we'll be getting. You can see them from the street so that counts, right? One strand was the perfect size for our 36" window, and they are a great amount of light for first thing in the morning when I don't want to turn on bright lights yet. Coffee, star lights, and blogging. That's how I've spent my last few mornings.

Two - Robbie got his wisdom teeth taken out yesterday. They pulled the top two, so he is on a ice cream, smoothie, soup, oatmeal, puree diet for the next few days. This smoothie is definitely on our list of things to try. As much as it sucks that he's in pain, I'm so happy to have him home for 4 days in a row. This never happens, like ever. I see lots of shakes and Disney movies lined up for this weekend.

Three - We are a little late, ok really late, getting our family pictures taken. I had the brilliant idea that I could do the pictures myself. Thank goodness I changed my mind in time to still get a Holiday session time. Nothing beats a good photographer, and we love ours. The weather is supposed to be a little chilly on Sunday, but I'm hoping we can get a few outdoor shots along with some indoor photos. I can't decide if the sweater is too much for Harrison's outfit? What do you all think? Just the shirt, or shirt and sweater?

Four - I picked up these Build a Snowman Stickers from Michael's a few weeks ago. The kids and I have built quite a few snowmen already, and out container is still almost full. These are such a fun activity. The kids ask to to them almost every day, and it's a great way to take up a good half hour. We do them a lot of nights while dinner is in the oven. The first couple times I helped guide them through it, and now I let them pick the pieces and place them on their own. I love seeing what they come up with.

Five - Calling all girl moms!! I am doing my first blog giveaway next week, and I'm so excited! I teamed up with one of my favorite headband designers, and will be giving away a $50 giftcard to one lucky reader, plus there will be an available coupon code. Any guesses from the photo as to who the designer is? Make sure to stop back on Tuesday enter the drawing!

Tasty Tuesday - Pretzel Hot Dogs

It's no secret that I LOVE Bravas. They're a local food truck that has the most amazing hot dogs. The flavor combinations they put together are out of this world delicious. My favorite, and I think most people's favorite, is the Snoop Dog. It's a steamed dog topped with bacon, gouda, and garlic aioli. Heaven on a bun.

A couple Sundays ago, we decided to recreate this amazing taste explosion for one of our The Walking Dead nights. Rather than doing steamed buns, we opted for homemade pretzel buns, and they did not disappoint. We tried out the pretzel recipe a few weeks earlier with beer cheese, and knew it was a winner. The pretzels are delicious on their own, but even better as a carrier for hot dogs. So here it is. A bunch of good recipes and ideas put together to make the perfect hotdog.

1. Pretzel Buns - I follow this recipe exactly, and then brush with butter after I pull them out of the oven. Roll the dough into large bun size strips. The dough is super easy to make, and worth the time it takes.

Pretzel Dough Recipe

2. Steamed all beef dogs

3. Bacon strips - I prefer Hormel Black Label

4. Garlic Aioli - Recipe - If you don't have lemon juice, you can substitute lemon extract and vinegar,

5. Shredded Aged Gouda

Once the buns come out of the oven, brush them with melted butter, cut them open down the middle, layer your toppings. And there you have it. The perfect, in my opinion, hot dog. I highly recommend you try this flavor combo soon. You won't be disappointed, and your mouth will forever thank you.

I wish I could take credit for this recipe, but I definitely can't. It's just my copy cat version of an already amazing dish. If you live in Fort Wayne and haven't checked out Bravas, you definitely need to. You can find their food truck around town, and they just opened a burger joint in the 07. You can find out more info via Bravas Facebook Page. 

Thanksgiving Weekend

The only thing better than the weekend, is a 4 day weekend, even when you have to work part of the weekend. Last year I worked all 4 days of Thanksgiving weekend, so this year was a nice change.

Thursday morning the kids woke me up over an hour earlier than usual. We were a little grouchy from the early rise, so a trip outdoors was needed. It was cold and snowy, but we bundled up and walked to the playground. Fresh air was just what we needed, but only for like 30 minutes. I was freezing and decided we needed to head home, but they would have played all morning.

Lunch, early naps, and then it was off to the in laws. My mother in law made a fantastic dinner, and in true toddler fashion, the kids only took 2 bites. They did go to town on her Texas Sheet Cake. Once we were done stuffing our faces and enjoyed some family time, we drove around to check out some Christmas lights. The early wake time that threw off our whole day, meant early bed time for the kids, and for Rob and I too.

Friday morning Harrison, Brooke and I went out for a little shopping excursion. We have been finding Brooke sleeping on the floor almost every night, so we are making the move to twin beds. I don't know if it will help keep her in bed or not, but we're going to give it a try. We'd be getting bigger beds soon enough anyway. We picked out beds and mattresses to ask for from Santa. They of course wanted to loft bed with a slide, and all I could picture was multiple trips to the ER every time they took a flying leap from the top. Sensible, simple bed frames it is.

Friday evening we hosted girls night. The kids BFF came over and they played while we stuffed our faces and drank champagne cocktails. We had planned to watch Love Actually, but wound up viewing Pitch Perfect instead. Both movies are winners in my book, and now we have a reason for another girls night.

Saturday started with a trip to the daycare, followed by a donut and library date with my littles. They were disappointed we didn't get any new books, but little do they know, they get a new book each day starting tonight.

My pick up schedule for work was a little crazy Saturday evening, so we needed to stay close to work. After naps our evening went something like this: Daycare, mall play area, Panera, lighted tree show, Von Maur, daycare, home. We were lucky enough to have Robbie join us for a quick dinner before we headed home. While we were watching the tree show, Brooke decided Von Maur is way more fun. She's going to be tearing up the sale shoe room before I know it.

Sunday morning the kids and I went for an impromptu trip to my parents house while Robbie ran into work. She was getting out Christmas decorations, and the kids were eager to help. They looked at ornaments, read books, and pushed buttons on every Christmas toy they could find. The rest of our Sunday went the same way as usual. Naps, football, friends, The Walking Dead.

I feel like we did a lot, but the weekend felt very laid back, just how I like it. And now it's December. Once December is over, can we skip ahead to April? I love the holidays but am ready for spring, or even better yet summer. If you know how to make that happen, please get on it. Thanks!

Holiday Room Tour

Harrison and Brooke are little Holiday lovers! I don't know if they feed off of me, or if they really enjoy all things festive so much all on their own. They loved looking at all the Halloween decorations. Motion sensitive decor was their absolute favorite. Cofins that make noise or candy bowls that grab your hand were their jam. Then the Christmas lights came out, and they became even more excited to visit the seasonal sections when we went to the store. 

We haven't decorated their room in previous years, but seeing their excitement over everything Christmas related made use decide we needed to. They helped pick out the majority of their items, and I of course provided a little guidance. They even helped decorate. "We decorating," became a favorite phrase during the week we put up decorations. The pom garland I made myself during nap time one day, and all the other sources are listed.

Dear Santa Signs ( Meijer, Available in Store)

Picture, Frame (Hobby Lobby, Available in Store)

Reindeer (Target, sold out online), Owl (Michael's, Available in Store), 

Penguin ( Meijer, Available in Store)

 Mini Tree, Ornaments, and Tree Skirt

Joy Pillow, Merry and Bright Pillow (Target, Available in Store)

Felt Tree (Target last year, Similar here)

Tomorrow we start doing a book by the tree every night, and of course begin their Advent calendars. They have been having lots of fun playing with their felt tree and nativity scene. It's crazy to me that December 1st is already tomorrow. 25 days to fit as much holiday fun into our crazy schedules. Does anyone else decorate their kids' room? What about fun holiday activities or traditions? I love hearing how everyone else celebrates.