Saturday, April 28, 2018

Ethan Embryo

Today would have been our due date with Ethan Embryo. It's been looming over me for the entire month. I knew today was coming. All the excitement over the impending birth of the royal baby made it even more present in my mind. I remember when the palace announced that Kate and William were expecting again. I was 5 1/2 weeks along and thought, "Kate can't be more then a few days or weeks ahead of me. How fun is it going to be to grow right along with her." (I'm kind of obsessed with the British royal family if you didn't already know, and Kate can do no wrong, IMO.) After we lost E, their pregnancy was just a constant reminder of what we didn't have. This week it was a reminder that I should be holding a newborn in my arms, and I'm not.

I had some really dark days after we lost E. There were weeks where I couldn't go to Target or the grocery store because if I saw someone with a newborn in a car seat or carrier, I would start crying. We took the big kids to the Bluffton Street Fair a few weeks after the miscarriage, and at a time when I should have been laughing and enjoying my kids playing, I had to walk away because the sight of a young baby made me start crying uncontrollably. Poor Rob didn't know what to do. Staying at home was just as bad though. Being alone with my thoughts and the constant "what if" or "did I cause it," was misery.

We decided pretty quickly after the miscarriage that we were going to try again. Even if the chance was minute, at least there was a chance. At least I had some hope. It didn't have to be the end like I thought it was when we lost E. I don't think I would have been able to handle this week, to handle today, if we weren't expecting again. If we were undergoing treatment or had decided to stop trying all together, I would be an emotional mess today. Instead I was able to take the kids out this morning like it was nothing, all while thinking about the little baby that should be with us but is in heaven instead, and knowing that there's a new little life that will be joining us in a few months.

I spent last night frantically searching for our only picture of E. Our picture from the day of transfer, that hung on the fridge for months after our loss. It wasn't with our blastocyst pictures of H and B or S and C. It wasn't in any of the places I would have put it. I searched drawers, cabinets, books, photo albums. Why could I not remember where I put it? I had Rob help me pull out the fridge when he got home, and sure enough, there it was. At some point it fell down behind the fridge and we didn't notice. Our days went on even though I didn't look at the picture every day like I did in the weeks following our miscarriage, just like our lives went on and eventually the pain went away and we didn't even notice it was gone.

We will always think of E, especially on our due date anniversary each year, and think about what could have been. How our family could have looked different than it does now. How we could have had a different child in our life. How the loss of one little embryo changed me and changed how I viewed any future pregnancies. We will celebrate the short time we had with E, and the love and excitement we felt about adding him or her to our family. We mourn not getting to know Ethan Embryo in this lifetime, but celebrate knowing that we will get to see our little E in the next life.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written! You bring tears to my eyes reading your blogs. I am so sorry for your loss, but also happy for your future.