Our Little Miracles

Today was supposed to be transfer day. Rob and I woke up early, said good bye to the kids, dropped Jules off at daycare, and then we were on our way. I had an entire "day in the life," post planned for today to show everyone what transfer day looks like. We were half way to Indy when we got the call. It was 9:46am. 

It was supposed to be the embrologist telling us how our embryos were handling the thaw. Instead it was our doctor telling us we didn't need to come down. I knew as soon as I heard his voice it wasn't going to be good. He said our single embryo didn't reach viability. They thawed the other two and one of them stopped developing. Our last embryo was stalled, but there was still a chance it could make it. I remember him mentioning 30% of something. I don't know if that was the chance that it might make it, or if it stopped at 30% development. Either way, it wasn't good and there wasn't much hope for our last embryo. We were told we should head back home and they would call us to let us know how the embryo progressed.  

At this point, I knew it was over, but I still prayed our last embryo might make a turn for the better. At 11:45 I got a call stating our final embryo did not reach viability. Cycle canceled. While I knew this was a possibility, it wasn't one I ever thought would happen. I was so concerned about the risk of twins with a double embryo transfer, I didn't stop to think we might not transfer any. 

Devastated pretty accurately describes how we feel. We would joke about H and B having a twin sibling who was three years younger than them. We planned for these small lives to be a part of our family some day. Even though they never made it past tiny cells, and I never carried them, it still feels like we lost part of our family.  

When we started our IVF journey, we thought we'd do it once use all the embryos and then be done. Now all of our embryos are gone and we still have a desire for more children. After we mourn the loss of our embryos, we'll have to move forward. What that means, I don't know. 

We are so fortunate to be blessed with two amazing children. Brooke and Harrison fill our lives with so much joy. We will have to decide if our family can be complete as a family of four, or if we will try IVF again. The cost alone is enough to make us really evaluate things, but then there's the concern over new embryos. What if we have left over embryos? Are we ok with using all of them? 

One thing I know for sure, when we got home this morning, the excitement, happiness and love beaming from our children's faces make it all worth while. Thank you to everyone for all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers you've sent our way through this process. We truly appreciate all of you.