Thursday, December 17, 2015

The Death of a Birth Plan

Long before I ever got pregnant, or even knew we would have trouble getting pregnant, I knew I was going to have an unmedicated home birth. When we first started trying, or not trying to avoid as it were, I watched The Business of Being Born. I then followed that up with lots of books and journals regarding birth. I became a major home birth advocate and knew our future baby would be born at home, or in the very least a birthing center.

Fast forward 5 years, and we were finally pregnant. I held onto the dream of a relaxing home birth during all of our fertility struggles. I was convinced I was still going to be able to have the birth I dreamed of, and then we found out it was twins. So much for the home birth I dreamed of. Yes there are women who home birth multiples, but it increased the risk enough I wasn't comfortable with it anymore.  

Thankfully my OB was on board with an unmedicated natural hospital birth. So that was the plan for 30 weeks. Then we found out I needed to be induced due to preeclampsia. My doctor was great about keeping things as natural as possible while still getting things moving. Pitocin was considered a last resort. 

I cried after that appointment as I drove home to get the house in order before our induction that night. I knew the statistics on induction and natural birth, and I knew the odds were no longer in my favor. Less than 24 hours after my doctors appointment, Harrison and Brooke were born via c-section. While their birth wasn't at all what I planned or hoped for, it was what was necessary, and we all came out healthy on the other end. 

We knew we wanted more kids, and I knew I wanted a VBAC, so we waited almost 2 years before our FET. The longer after your c section, the higher chance of a successful natural delivery. I knew an HBAC was out of the question after my delivery with H and B, so I again planned for a natural hospital delivery. 

At 7 weeks we found out it was twins again, and I was told immediately I was crazy for considering a twin VBAC. I was still laying on the ultrasound table being told I shouldn't even consider a twin VBAC. If I wasn't already crying, I was as soon as I heard that. 

My OB was more optimistic, but still was in favor of a repeat c-section. She was willing to try a natural birth if everything was going smoothly, which it thankfully is. Almost 37 weeks, no health issues this go round, two head down babies. The things natural twin births are made of.  

I started doing a little research, and it didn't take long for me to make a decision. I discussed it with Robbie, and he was very much for a scheduled c-section. By that time, I was too. It took me a while to come to terms with it, but by 20 weeks we knew we would be having a scheduled repeat c-section. We discussed dates, which is totally weird to me to plan the day your babies will arrive, and decided that after Christmas was best. 

For almost 5 weeks now we have know that December 28th is our babies' eviction day, and I've prayed every day that we make it that far. We have to arrive at the hospital at 5am for a 7:30 c-section. I still haven't packed my bag, because I'm convinced we will make it to our scheduled date.  

Life has a way of throwing curves your way. While I never dreamed I'd be a c-section mama, I am and I'm ok with it.  I never dreamed I'd be the mom of two sets of twins, but here I am, about to welcome my second set in a week and a half. All of this to say it's ok that things didn't go how I planned. As important as my ideal birth was, it's not what matters anymore. My healthy children are. I was still able to exclusively breast feed, and make other natural choices for their life. Things that were as important to me as the birth I had planned. While their birth is about them, I realized that the plan I had was more about me, and that as long as they're healthy and safe, it's all that matters. Do I still wish I could have had the home birth that some of my friends were able to experience? Of course I do, but I am just as happy with the days spent in the hospital with H and B, and the days to come that I'll spend in the hospital with our still nameless new babies. 

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